


The Rumor

by AshsHorrorShow



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Attempted Murder, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Murderous Thoughts, Oswald Is Mean, kind of anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-07 23:16:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13445478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshsHorrorShow/pseuds/AshsHorrorShow
Summary: Oswald loathed that stupid rumor.





	The Rumor

Oswald Cobblepot had never had to resort to murdering someone in prison yet, a record that even impressed him. But unfortunately, he was beginning to think he might have to finally break that carefully maintained record, because right now, Edward was driving him absolutely nuts. 

He didn’t necessarily want to slaughter the other man, as he actually considered Edward an acquaintance of sort, but he was beginning to go mad. Maybe if he crafted the shiv sharp enough, hit Edward in a vital, and finished the man off quickly, it would be considered less cruel. It was more mercy than he showed most of his victims after all. 

But he decided to hold off on the slaughtering, not wanting to add more time to his stint. After all, he was almost finished. He thought about his dozens of pet birds at home in his Lounge, waiting for him as motivation.

He couldn’t believe he had been somewhat elated to hear that he would temporarily be sharing a cell with Edward Nygma. Normally, whenever Edward got defeated by the Batman, he, like many other rogues, got sent to Arkham Asylum. However, for once, Arkham Asylum was at full capacity. Turns out Gotham had more crazies than sane people, apparently. So until they got a vacancy, Edward was going to have to stay at Blackgate for a temporary amount of time. And because Oswald had the as previously mentioned record of not shanking any of his cellmates, they deemed him suitable to be a roommate, so they didn’t have to sacrifice a cell themselves. 

Oswald had figured that with Edward being here for a short amount of time, he would finally have a cellmate who could engage him in some stimulating conversation for once.

But when Edward got practically dumped into his cell, covered in bruises courtesy of the Bat and ranting borderline belligerently to his guards, Oswald knew he was in for quite a bit of a night. He didn’t necessarily want to judge, but Edward could be quite melodramatic when he was upset, often ranting and raving with such theatrics that he could put a Shakespearean actor to shame. 

Oswald could be a bit dramatic himself, sure, but usually when he got mad, putting a bullet in something (or someone) would make him feel a bit better. 

But Edward clearly liked to go on long monologues.

After their cell was promptly shut and locked, Edward immediately began complaining about the Batman and how he was a dirty cheater and a bunch of other stuff. To be honest, Oswald tuned out for a while ago. Most people usually needed to hear a substantiated response from the person they were talking to, to feel like they were truly listening. But it seemed Edward didn’t, as he just jabbered on and on.

When Edward seemed to finally bore or at least run out of things to complain about on the subject of Batman, he turned to Oswald and began to ask a bunch of questions.

“They allow me to have chalk in Arkham so I can doodle stuff and write mathematical formulas. Do you think if I mentioned that to the guards out there that they will allow me to have some? I’m not one of the official prisoners, so they shouldn’t have the same regulations they do on you. At least, that is how I think it should work…”

“The women’s side of the prison is on the other side right? How heavily guarded, is it? Oh, don’t be so perverted, you senile old bird! I simply want to see Query and Echo, is all. I haven’t seen either of them in a while. I did this whole last mission without them! I offered to get them out of here, but they said it would look better on their records if they simply waited off their stints and chipped away at it with parole. Smart move on their parts because at this rate, they are going before me!”

“On a scale of one to five, one being something you’d find in the gutter of a house, and five being passable, for like, a really cheap fast food place, how bad is the food here? I mean, the food in Arkham Asylum is pretty gross, but that is asylum food. Prison food seems like a whole new level of awful. Or is that just a rumor? I mean, the only people I know who say prison food is gross are people who definitely haven’t been there so…”

“Edward, if you do not shut your mouth, I swear to everything that is holy, I am going to strangle you with the bedsheets and make it look like you committed suicide!” Oswald snapped. 

Edward blinked in shock, as if taken aback by how rude Oswald was, before his expression soured. Stalking over to his bed, he crawled up on his bed, crossing his arms petulantly like a child as he hissed, “Excuse me for trying to make conversation.”  
Oswald practically sighed with relief at the amazing silence that filled the room. When said silence stretched out for an hour (Edward’s leg was bouncing up and down now. Could the man really not stay still and be quiet for long periods of time?), Oswald considered laying down and taking a nap, when Edward said, “If I’m quiet the rest of the night, may I ask one more question?”

Oswald growled and felt his fingernails dig into his pillow (which probably wasn’t smart seeing as the shitty thing was one wrong move from bursting open), and resisted smothering Edward to death with it. But he mulled over the question again and decided to allow it. After all, Edward was offering not to speak a whole night! It seemed like a fair enough deal to him. 

So grunting, he adjusted himself on the bed so that he was sitting up and looking at Edward who was still sitting on his own bed, and said, “Spit it out.”

“Are the rumors true that you were raised by penguins in the sewer? Cause that would certainly explain why you have the personality and manners of a rowdy, smelly bird.” 

Oswald would’ve squawked in horror and shock, if it wouldn’t give Edward easy material to work with. He bared his teeth. He fucking loathed that stupid rumor, and given the wide shit-eating grin on Edward’s face, he knew it and had said it on purpose. 

That was it. 

A good fifteen minutes later, Edward, who just barely managed to survive after Oswald had attempted to drown him in the cell’s toilet, was relocated to his own personal cell and Oswald was alone again and reprimanded. Apparently, his most recent murder attempt was going to count as bad behavior.

If that little green rat extended his stint, he was going to find a way to get out of his cell, open Edward’s, and finish the job he started.

Oh well… at least he had his silence.

**Author's Note:**

> Ha ha ha, this was stupid. Also, can you tell I just watched Batman Returns recently? (Favorite Christmas movie btw) 
> 
> I wanted to write for Oswald again! I kind of find him underused, which is a shame because he can be fun to write! He is just hard to come up with stories for, y'know. I wrote up this whole long ass story for him, only to realize I made a similar fanfic, so I deleted the work and decided to do something with him and Edward being friends since I kind of find it interesting they seemed to at least have an acquaintanceship in the comics (also I love Edward and would add him in any fanfic). Though I don't necessarily think I did a good job portraying them as FRIENDS here... but hey, they are criminals. They're not going to be perfect people. lol.
> 
> As always, critique is wanted, and I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
